Sunday, May 28, 2017

Does anything even matter?

Truthfully the last 9 months of my life have been a nightmare. My husband of 20 years who had almost 21 years of sobriety threw it all out the window. Somehow he decided his family and I were not worth the fight anymore and he gave in.  So in the last 9 months I have lost my husband and my best friend.
For the past 4 years I have tried to take care of him as he has a seizure disorder and so alot of my friends have fallen by the way as I did not have time to go and hang out or visit. Now, I am alone.

Everyone has their advice they have been giving me and while I appreciate unless you have been in my exact position as you can do is speculate how things should be or how I should feel. I just don't have anything left in me and I feel empty. In truth I just want to walk away from everything at this point. My life or lack there of, my home, my career, None of it matters anymore because I am lost.

I don't know if I will ever be found. I spend my entire life right now getting up, walking the dog before I go to work then I come home and walk the dog some more. That is pretty much my existence and I keep thinking there has to be more to it than this because truthfully it is depressing. I just want to cry all of the time and will even admit that I have had a few thoughts about how it would be if I were no longer here.

I know some people I know will probably suggest that I get some help but the truth of the matter is. I don't know if I want the help or if I am even worth helping. Truthfully, I am alone maybe physically around people but essentially I am alone.