Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Two Steps Forward & Three Steps Back

I thought by yesteray afternoon that I was finally making some progress in getting into a more positive frame of mind. Yet, when I awoke this morning all my feelings of dread and despair came flooding back.
It is not any one thing in particular that is making me feel depressed but numerous things that are going on. The lack of being able to move forward towards the career that I really want or even getting a permanent position that would allow me to even take a couple of courses. On top of that dealing with what is going on my Darcy is hard on me to. I just wish we knew what was going on in his head so that we could start working towards getting him better. Sometimes lately I feel more like a mother than I do his wife. Always having to check and make sure he is taking his medication and watching him doing nothing. Considering he has always been on the go it is really hard to watch him fall apart and being like a shell of the person he once was.
There is so much that I want to say to him but I don't because he is already having a hard enough time dealing with this that I don't want to add any extra stress to him. But as I sit and think about this I want to scream out " I HAVE NEEDS TOO". Oh well I guess I will jsut deal with this for the time being and keep hoping they can figure out what is going on so that I can have some semblence of my husband back. Maybe it is just how long this seems to be taking that makes it so hard or the fact that I won't discuss any of these feelings so as not to upset him. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world but it is hard to watch him fall apart.
In the meantime I will just keep plodding along; although, I will just look forward to going for my run tomorrow so I can let my thoughts get to a better place. As for today once I get to work I will have something elsse to keep my mind busy. Have you ever watched someone you love fall apart?