Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Not On The Edge

I came to a realization today that I am not on the edge but right smack dab in the middle of a depressive episode.

All I want to do is sit and cry and then cry some more. Everything seems sort of desolate and like it doesn't matter. I am finding myself struggling to breath but I just can't seem to get enough air. I know at this point is is not just one thing but many things at once.

I am well aware that it is not just one thing that is contributing to how I am feeling lately. I have actually been compiling a list so that I can work on these things one by one.

The first thing on my list is that I am working nights so I don't have any social life so to speak of which makes me feel friendless. Since my friends work during the day and I work at nights and for the past several weeks have only had Sunday's off I don't see anyone except for my family. I sat and thought about it and the lst time I even spoke with a friend outside of work on the phone was back in July.

What am I doing to try and change that, you ask. Well, I spoke with my supervisor and hopefully that will change soon. Keeping my fingers crossed.

One of the other things that is bothering me quite a bit and contributing to my feeling of inadequacy is more of a personal thing which I have been writing a bit about lately and the only I can do to change that is to turn that part of my life off so that I can't feel unsexy or unwanted because I don't want it. I have tried working on it for the past little while but things just are not improving and leaves me feeling like a complete fool. So I just have to come up with ways to turn the sexual part of me off and leave it behind.

Do you have any idea as to how to turn off the sexual part of you to protect yourself from feeling bad about yourself?