Sunday, November 12, 2017

Sunday Morning Snuggle And Run

This morning has been a good morning. First thing I got was snuggles and love from my Heidi. She is such a cuddle bum. After having a couple of coffees I decided that even though it was kind of yucky outside I would go for a little run.

I had taken the last week of running off so that I would have all this extra time to bond with Heidi. I plan on trying to get her to run with me but am waiting until the end of November to make sure she is extra bonded.

It was an amazing run. It felt easy like it used to years ago. I truly believe that all of the rough runs I have had in the last couple of years was a mental block.  As now that I am happy I am finding it easier to run.

Things are still looking up. He has tried to contact me a few times but I am not interested in talking with him at this point as I see it as a pointless activity. Especially since everything that has happened over the last year. I am focusing on me and learning to love me and starting to enjoy my life.

Friday, November 10, 2017

Grateful Friday

With everything that has been going on in the last year I have learned that I need to take into account everything that I am grateful for. It will help me in the long run to really appreciate the wonderful people and such in my life.

So this week I am grateful for...

Knowing such a wonderful person as Liz who sent me an absolutely beautiful bouquet of flowers. I really wasn't expecting that so I was happily surprised.

Knowing Marcy who is one of my best sounding boards and is also one of the sweetest people I have ever met.

Getting to know my sister in law Tanis better and better. I now consider her one of my very best friends. Plus we total rock the walking together.

I am eternally grateful for the fact that my wonderful daughter turned 19 this week and she is a smart, pretty, funny girl. I am happy to say she is also one of my best friends.

A big thing that I am grateful for is the arrival of my new dog Heidi, I have adopted her from The Black Dog Rescue of BC. She came all the way home from Houston and she is a total little lovebug. I am so happy to finally have her home. I would like to send out thanks to Helen Hunt in Houston for taking such good care of Heidi while you were fostering her. Also thanks to Cindy Archer for knowing how to read people that made it easy for you to determine that Heidi was for me.

I will post pictures of her here soon.

I am grateful that I have a good job and enjoy the people I work with. As well I am thankful for the house in which I am living in the nice neighborhood.

Lastly, I am very grateful that it is Friday and Wine Night with Tanis :)

Thursday, November 9, 2017

How To Learn To Accept

He fell off the wagon again this last weekend. When he was finally nailed for it and was in a position where he could not deny it anymore he started spewing his venom again. Threatening to divorce me and take everything I have. Nevermind the fact that he blew 150,000 dollars in the span of a year on crap from ebay and meth.

I thought I would fall apart but surprisingly I just felt irritated by this. I have come to terms with the fact that he is probably going to end up dead or in jail or homeless within the next year or so. He has been in and out of this same treatment centre since July and hasn't even been able to stay clean for longer than 90 days. With all the overdoses there are in this day and age it is only a matter of time til he gets a bad batch or caught with the meth.

I have come to realize that he is a narcissist and only cares about himself and his addiction right now. He then is trying to send me emails telling me that he loves me but I am not responding because I don't want to get to drawn in to his drama. Truth be told I feel like if he really loved me he wouldn't keep doing this to me and trying to blame me for his problem with drugs.

I stepped back and can see now that it has been like this for several years. If I wasn't doing what he wanted or making him happy he would treat me like shit and belittle me.

It is an interesting situation to be in where you are start to accept that this is now how the person is and who there are becoming and have stepped away from the drama to where it is no longer seriously affecting you.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

The Cold Hard Ugly Truth About Meth Abuse of A Loved One

This last year has been complete hell. Truth be told my husband of 20 years has decided that using meth is better for him than his family or his marriage. I have no understanding as to why he choose this path for his life but it is his decision.

I have tried to be supportive for him to be in recovery even going so far as to go and watch him take his 90 days only to find not even 3 days later that he has used once again. Needless to say it is disheartening.This is a man I loved with all my heart for all of my adult life and to  have him choose drugs over me hurts but it is something I am learning to live with.

I had hopes until Sunday that we could work things out and that if he stayed clean we could get back to where we once were. After speaking with him yesterday and once again him doing nothing but spouting venom at me and blaming me for his use like he has repeatedly over the last year. I have come to the conclusion that this time he may just be too far gone into this addiction.

He knows how to say the right things to get me and others to believe that he is serious about getting clean but when it comes to doing the walking part of it, he falters and goes right back to what he knows. Before this last year with the meth use I have never heard him speak to me or Katie the way he has. Spewing hatred like a volcano erupting. My heart has been so broken over the last year that it cannot break any further.

It was so bad that earlier in the year I ended up getting a protection order against him. I should have kept the protection order on and left it at that but me with my stupid hopes and dreams wanted to believe that because he was in treatment that everything could be worked out eventually. Apparently, I was mistaken as it has a grip on him so hard that he is no longer the person I know or fell in love with.

I have been focusing on myself for the last few months and am at the best place emotionally now to deal with all of this. I have more confidence than I ever have and am surrounded by people who love and want the best for me. The friends and family I have in my life spend their time building me up and not tearing me down. This is the best I have felt in a long time.

With the meth use having such a grip on him I have said goodbye emotionally as I have prepared for the eventuality that he may die or go to prison. I know it sounds kind of bleak but that is how it feels as due to the fact that he cant stay clean longer than a 90 day stretch the possibility of either remains ever close. I know by doing this blog I am outing him but I no longer want to keep things close to the chest. I am my own person and shouldn't have to hide what he has put this family through under any rugs or beat around the bush.

My next few posts may go on more about what I have endured over the last year but I want to get these things off my chest and I refuse to hide any of it in the shadows.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Accepting And Exploring

The last year has been the hardest year of my life. I watched the man I loved and was married for nearly 20 years evolve back into an active addict. This time around his drug of choice was meth. Now, I knew him before when he was addicted to heroine and to tell you the truth I liked him better then cause at least he didn't lie. Meth turns people into liars and really bad ones at that.

So after a few failed attempts at him getting clean on his own and having to keep calling the police to have him removed, I finally got a protection order against him. I did it to protect myself and my daughter as well as everyone else in our house. One of the last times he showed up trying to break in he had knives on him. Since then the protection order has been listed but he is still not at home. At this point he is in a treatment centre but this is also his 2nd go at this as well because he slipped and started using again.

So here I am less than a week from my 40th birthday and things have been definitely different for me. I was in such a bad place a few months ago. Depressed and almost suicidal. I went for help from my doctor. He had me do a depression test and it came back that I was severely depressed. He started me on Zoloft. After an increase in the medication and also being put on B12 supplements I am doing a lot better.

I have started running again and run a minimum of 3 times a week and sometimes more. I feel better than I have in years and am enjoying having a life again. Going out and seeing friends as well as becoming closer with my sister in law who I now consider to be one of my best friends.   It is weird to think that I am in this position as I never thought I would be. While he was sick with seizures I could handle it but when it came to using illicit drugs I am just not into that or the type of drama that it comes with.

I am at peace now and am in the process of designing my life how I want it to be.

Have you ever had the opportunity to design your life?

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