Sunday, January 20, 2019

Run Out The Fear

Over the last few weeks I have been slipping into a downward spiral and haven't exactly been able to figure out the answer as to why. Alas, I think I have it figured out. I am scared not just a little scared but like the claw of the devil coming up from the ground to yank me down kind of scared.

This has been playing on my mind for a couple of weeks now and I needed to get to the bottom of it mentally before I make myself crazy. So this morning after a really good walk and talk with Tanis last night I decided to jump on the treadmill. I ran faster than I have in a while and it helped me sort some things out in my head or at least give me some answers as to why I was so scared.

Why the fear? I have been seeing someone for the last few months and the fact that I am getting attached to him emotionally is scaring the hell out of me. Things with D were so bad and the acts played such a huge part of me losing myself and took a huge impact on my self-esteem. I am afraid to care and deathly afraid of being hurt again.

Another fear I ran across while running was that I am seriously scared of losing myself. I lost myself for so long and I had to fight to get back to myself that I don't want to lose what I had found. And there are certain things I gave up doing over the last few months, running was probably the most important.

Running helps me think better and be more positive in my love for myself. I haven't run very much over the last few months and this morning showed me how much I need it. I didn't go far and I didn't go fast but I feel more clarity in my mind after the run. So I need to set some ground rules for myself in this relationship to make it so that I don't lose myself again.

I need to make the commitment to keep running at least every second day and the walks with Tanis are of peril too. It will help keep me grounded and keep the clarity that I require to keep loving myself and creating the life that I want.

As to the fear of attachment I will just have to play by ear. No one ever got to where they wanted to be without putting it out there come what may. If I keep myself and my feelings locked away I am only hurting myself and will never really learn to be free from my fears.  I need to keep myself  as my primary goal and everything else will either work out in the end or it won't.

Today I say that I love myself and am not willing to give me up as I am the only me there is. I refuse to disappear.

Friday, December 21, 2018

Stops and Starts: Goals for 2019

There has been many stops and starts in regards to my running over the last couple of years. Lately I have been looking to get back into it again as I miss the feeling of running and the rush of endorphins it gave me. As anyone who knows me knows the last couple of years have been an absolute nightmare but the nightmare has ended at this point.

I have made a great many changes over the last year and things are better than I could have pictured. I work from home now and have an amazing puppy. The design of my life is almost complete save for now designing my house the way I want it but that will come and to get back into running the proper way. That is my one major goal for 2019 to get back into enough that I can run another half marathon or maybe even a full one.

My goal for getting this done is to try to get in as good a shape as I can before Dec 31, 2018. I already have a good solid base walking almost every night with my sister in law. I feel good about this and am looking forward to rocking it with the running in 2019. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

WOW. It Looks So Different

This year has been a big year for changes. Both externally and internally. I almost don't recognize my life at this point but it is a good thing.

Last year at this time I was still emotionally attached per say to D. I have since been able to let go of him and what it was or what I wished it would be. You can still love someone but realize that they are not good for your mental health and well-being in general.  It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do and am surprised as to how free I feel in regards to this. I no longer worry about if he is clean or is somewhere safe. Letting go has been freeing in that respect but it also taught me that I can make it on my own completely and can have a life that I deserve.

Monday, September 3, 2018

A Life Well Thought Out

Things have been going really good lately. I feel like I am becoming who I am supposed to be. Most of my life right now is based on what makes me happy. I do what I want and when I want and am exploring possibilities of what I like and who I like.

I ran 5k this morning which I haven't done in a very long time. It felt hard but good to be out there doing it. I was doing 90 seconds running and 0 seconds walking the entire time and I am happy to say that I finished feeling good and refreshed and when I am done this post it will seriously be time for me to jump into the shower.

The last I posted I was getting ready to head out to Las Vegas with a couple of friends. I am glad to say it was a great trip and can;t wait to head there again for a long weekend.

 While there we did the zoomline down Freemont Street it was a very scary but exhilarating experience and I was happy that I shared it with great friends. Can't wait for our next trip together. Next time I promise not to cry.

Off to shower now guess I'm starting to feel a little gross.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Feeling Like A Badass Tuesday

First time in a while this is my second run this week and I feel amazing. I have fallen on the Badass wagon for a bit but now I am back with a vengeance. I have been feeling low and starting to self doubt myself too much lately and it has got to stop.

Not far and not fast but I am good with that. The fact that I got out there and did it means the world to me at this point. I need to keep my positive vibrations up and everything else will fall into place. I believe that with my heart and soul. I was meant to have a good life and have awesome things come to me. It is time for self doubt and negative self criticism to take a back seat or better yet get out of the damn car that is my life. I will continue running and working at having the most awesome life I possibly can. Life is too short to have it any other way.

I am looking for my new mantra that can work for both my running and life that will help raise the vibration that I want to put out into the world.

Any Suggestions for awesome mantras that work for both running and life?

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Sunday Runday

I was awake super early this morning so I decided it was a good time to go for a run. It felt good to be out there and I feel that I am even starting to get a little faster. Right now I am running on my own which is ok gives me time to think on the positive things going on in my life.

Things have been going really well and I am in a good place mentally and physically. This next week is going to be a buildup of excitement as I am going to Las Vegas next Sunday with a couple of friends. I am definitely looking forward to taking my first vacation with friends. It will also be my first time going to Las Vegas. I am even planning on taking my running gear with me and doing a couple runs on the strip in the early mornings. I want to get the most that I can out of this trip. We are going to be staying at the Flamingo on the strip.

It will be a blast. I will be taking as many pictures as I can while I am there as this is something that I plan on remembering for a long time.

Have you ever gone to Las Vegas? What was your favorite thing while there?